There Are Two Types Of Temper Tantrums:

All of my first five children threw temper tantrums. When my fifth baby turned fourteen months old, I found out what I needed to in order to change my parenting style and prevent any more temper tantrums from him. He was forever free of temper tantrums within a week or so of my implementing the changes. After this I used my newly found techniques with each additional baby I had, all eight of them from birth on, effectively preventing tantrums. Not one of them ever had a temper tantrum, not even the two that had ADHD, or the one of them that had very strong Oppositional Defiant Disorder. This daughter, as a young adult, stated, “I was an extremely defiant child, yet, through all the years my mother and I struggled over who was going to be in charge, I simply loved how she responded to my anger.”

When I help other parents use my concepts to totally eliminate and totally prevent temper tantrums in their own children, I begin by teaching them the difference between Type-One and Type-Two tantrums. It’s quite important to know what kind of tantrums one is trying to eliminate, because Type-Two temper tantrums need additional parenting techniques besides those needed in general for Type-One and Type-Two.

A Type-One temper tantrum is really just a true expression of anger that has escalated to a point of rage, perhaps to the extreme, and possibly to the maximum. This is out-of-control anger (or almost so). This kind of tantrum happens when something comes along to naturally make the child angry.

A Type-Two temper tantrum is not only an expression of anger (which might be fake, genuine, exaggerated, or unexaggerated) but it’s also a conscious and deliberate attempt to manipulate or intimidate the caregiver. This type of temper tantrum occurs when a child isn’t given what she or he wants.

“Expert” temper tantrum advice has historically included a healthy amount of “ignore the tantrums.” Actually, I should say an unhealthy amount, because that is faulty advice that I steadfastly followed when I was initially parenting my first five children. I did learn, ultimately, by eliminating the temper tantrums of my fifth child, that the process of ignoring tantrums was partly what was causing them. In fact, I believe that ignoring tantrums almost guarantees they will recur. Certainly, there are additional factors in the total prevention and total elimination of tantrums from the behavioral repertoires of children. These are elaborated on in my discussion of my methods, which I call, “Infant Anger Management.” But it all begins with parents ending their ignoring-the-tantrums behaviors.

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ADHD Children: Tantrums Are Optional

What is today called Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, or ADHD, has been a recognized condition, albeit perceived in many ways, for likely hundreds of years. Stimulants have been used for treating it for more than seven decades now. However, about fifteen years ago, I still believed that ADHD wasn’t real and that it might just an excuse for lazy parenting.

But then, in spite of my denial, my first two kids from my second marriage developed into pre-teens and developed problems in completing their school assignments, even as otherwise excellent students. These two children had always resisted doing anything they didn’t like doing, and they had never cooperated by doing their fair allotment of the household chores as my older ten children had. Their floundering at school, though, was what caused me to belatedly get them in for thorough assessments, resulting in positive diagnoses for ADHD and ADD.

The younger of the two kids, my daughter, had ADHD, plus she was Oppositional Defiant (ODD). Lots of parents with ODD kids apparently “give up” on them, letting the children take charge of themselves. I couldn’t do that with my daughter, even though I felt like it, because it would have put her at even more risk in the community. But it was hugely challenging to stay “in charge” of her because of her constant resistance. My son’s ADD was without the hyperactivity aspect, and his symptoms were much less “in my face” than my daughter’s. In adulthood, he doesn’t think he had ADD. I’m convinced of it, though, and also that their father had it. My first ten children (from my first marriage) were all non-ADHD, and these two children went through very thorough ADHD assessments. I was so frustrated by the challenges they presented that I was willing to medicate them, but they were unwilling because they disliked the side effects of every medication they tried.

During a discussion I had with this son when he was a teenager-at a time I was highly frustrated because of his behaviors-I stated an observation that just then occurred to me. He didn’t laugh, so I assumed he didn’t appreciate the humor in my emphatic remark, “You, my son, are the second most annoying person that I’ve ever given birth to.” He was. And his ADHD sister was definitely the first. For many years I despaired of them actually learning enough of the life skills I was teaching them so they could thrive, but they’re both doing quite well now.

My ADHD children were the same as my later non-ADHD children when it came to tantrums. My first five babies all threw them…but the last eight didn’t. The fifth, at fourteen months, was cured roughly a week after I found out what I needed to change in my parenting style. What I learned about preventing tantrums with my fifth baby worked equally well will both of my ADHD children as it did with the rest. I believe parents can have tantrum-free ADHD children, too.

Visit www.megamomswisdom.com to learn about eliminating temper tantrums in ADHD and oppositional-defiant children.

Harsh Discipline -Does It Do More Harm Than Good

Recent studies suggest that low-income parents tend to endorse much harsher discipline, partially because they hold stronger beliefs about the value of spanking and experience higher levels of stress. However, parents who work in high-stress jobs or are stay-at-home parents who are feeling frustrated or isolated are also at risk.

It’s imperative that parents recognize their tendency to punish a child too severely and take the needed steps to make sure the punishment is appropriate for their child’s age, temperament and maturity level. The study’s finding showed that parents from lower income levels or those who work high pressure jobs are more stressed, and they react more emotionally to their child’s behavior, and thus use harsher discipline. A parent in this situation may benefit from outside assistance and learning about alternative disciplinary strategies that are more appropriate and less harsh. It’s also important for a parent to realize that children thrive on praise.

Parents in such a situation may always jump to discipline but fail to praise their child for their good deeds, behaviors and traits. Children instinctively want to please their parents and make them proud. By encouraging positive behavior, the parent will most likely discourage the behavior that has driven them in the past to punish too harshly. In order to encourage positive behavior deserving of praise, parents might want to consider giving their child a task they know they’re able to accomplish, and praise their efforts along the way. Parents need to also consistently praise their children for the positive traits they possess. Their child might be good at math in school, helpful to their little brother or sister, or is good at drawing pictures. Praise these good traits and the child is likely to respond by acting appropriately and behaving positively in order to gain more praise.

In the end, it’s important to remember that a child is just that – a child. A parent should make a concerted effort to make sure the discipline is appropriate and take care of themselves physically, mentally and emotionally so they can optimally provide for their child’s physical and emotional well-being.

Ways to Help Children Distinguish Between Right and Wrong

“My 5 year old has just started school. Before school she was always polite, caring, helpful. Since going to school, while she still appears to be so with her teachers (so they say), she now really pushes the boundaries at home. Some kids at school have taught her to swear, talk back, talk about sex in very broad terms. She talks back and while fundamentally she is still a wonderful and very smart little girl, her smarts have turned into “smarty-pants”.

You might not sure how I should teach her to make the right choices about right vs. wrong. She has already missed school at the insistence of her 5 year old friend. How can you help her when she is not under your watchful eye at school? How do I ensure she will make the right choice on her own?

Hmmm, how indeed? Let’s look at the underlying principles.

Kids, like you and me, are doing their best to succeed in life. So their behaviors are their attempts to get good results for themselves, as they themselves would define them. Those “good results” might be to satisfy basic urges such as hunger and warmth, they might be to get approval and love – from their parents, or from their friends, or they might be simply to have fun and excitement.

They will demonstrate the behavior they believe will get them the need they have at that time.

Of course, not all behaviors are successful – and that is the whole learning process. Constantly through life we are experimenting with behaviors to find the ones that work best for us. In choosing what behaviors to experiment with, we take input from past experiences, from what we have been told, and from what we have seen others do (in real life and on TV) and we combine this with the skills, abilities, and personality that we have. From all of this we get a range of possible behaviors, and out of those we pick what we hope will serve us best.

After experimenting we will find the behaviors that meet our needs. We will use these behaviors to get what we want. The more we achieve a good result with a behavior, the more we demonstrate that behavior.

Returning to your 5 year old daughter. This behavior is a sign that she is in the process of experimenting. She is in a new situation at school and this has expanded her world. She is not sure how to react and is excited and nervous at the same time. She is testing different behaviors to determine which behaviors will end in an intended result.

Your daughter will most likely try a range of behaviors. Many of which will not occur ever again as they didn’t work. Some behaviors will become a part of her usual behavior. Which behaviors will your daughter stick to? It really depends on the results of each experience. She is at an age where having your approval and love is very important to her. She needs to see your reaction to her behaviors. Outside reactions from others also play a role. For example, punishments and rewards can be a big influence on her behavior. She will seek the approval of you, her teachers, and her friends.

You have a great deal of influence as her parent. When she is this young she will listen to you. Later on is another story. Your influence appears in two ways.

1. Your emotional reaction to her behaviors. Do you approve or disapprove of her behaviors?

2. Your control of external factors. You can decide what school she goes to, and the types of people she will meet at school and in your neighborhood. You can also impose rewards, punishments, and constraints (such as permissions to do or not do activities).

Putting all this together, and taking a strategic overview, these are the types of questions you would want to be asking yourself:

Does this look like it is just an experimental phase that will almost certainly pass? If so, then don’t get too stressed about it all – enjoy the phase of watching your kids growing up and exploring the world. (Hey, I remember sneaking out from home at about 7 to go and play in the school playground, in the dark, at about 9pm. I even put pillows in my bed to deceive my parents. And I turned out okay … I think…)

Bear in mind that if you over-react to things like her swearing that may, in itself, actually make the behavior seems MORE exciting rather than less. Generally, “chilling out” is the better way to go.

If you feel as if her bad behavior is escalating too much then you need to do something to combat it.

When this happens you will need to rely on your opinion of the situation. Are you doing all the things you can as a parent? Make sure that you are a positive role model. Remember, you have a significant influence on her.

Check out the school and your neighborhood. How have the children who were raised in this neighborhood do when they grew up? Do they become productive adults or do most of the kids spend their days being in trouble for most of their teenage years?

Take the time to talk with parents and teachers at school. Each school has a culture and perhaps your daughter is trying to fit into this culture. How concerned are the teachers? Does the behavior of most kids at the school improve as they grow up out their phases?

Unfortunately, you can’t watch over every influence in your child’s life. You also can’t be 100% sure that your daughter will learn right from wrong. However, you can improve the odds of this. Your influence as a parent is great and you should be a positive role model for your child.

Great Parenting Tips Don’t stress about your child’s bad behavior issues any more. Discover the proper techniques and strategies to assist you have a joyous, peaceful household. Parenting Tips On Discipline